Sometimes You'll Feel Like Giving Up

The following is Chapter One of my book: Seven Things I've Learned Having Gone Through Separation & Divorce.

Separation and divorce can be tough on everyone: the couple, offspring if any, extended family, close friends, and others within the circle of care and influence. As a man, I believe separation and divorce can be particularly difficult, and the research (www.psychologytoday.com) supports this. Generally, women seem to find it easier to cope because speaking to their social circle, close friends, and family members about their situations comes more naturally to them. In short, women share. Men, on the other hand, tend to bottle our emotions. As a result, men suffer an identity crisis, prematurely jump into new relationships, miss their children, and face health issues such as weight fluctuations, depression, anxiety, and insomnia. Adding insult to injury, the judgement, blame, ostracism, and marginalization from others and our own feelings of doubt, confusion, and loneliness make the journey towards healing feel like a suffocating labyrinth. So, we have more to lose in terms of happiness and health after a divorce.

While society may view divorce as merely a legal separation, those who journey through the experience deal with the mental scars that the process can inflict, and the paradox of the journey is that it can be both liberating and confining. The journey can also be a lonely experience. This is enough to make anyone just want to give up. Still, although you may feel lonely, you’re never alone. I know. I’ve been there. I was the one who made the difficult decision to no longer exist in anything that would consistently and potentially cause irreparable mental, emotional, social, and spiritual damage. I made that decision for my family as much as I did for myself, not knowing if they would or could ever understand that.

Up until that decision, my mom’s death was the most painful thing I ever endured. I didn’t make it in time to see her before she passed, and it was a long journey back to my country of birth to bury her. This season of loss was different. It almost killed me. I had become so isolated and overcome by limiting beliefs that, at times, it seemed almost impossible to keep my head above the raging waves of stress, anxiety, loss of self, internalised loneliness, and the guilt over being away from my boys.

I had to repeatedly remind myself that I was living through a season that forced me to make a difficult decision: to reclaim my sense of self and, at the risk of sounding melodramatic, to liberate it from certain destruction. But living in a space without my boys, not being able to walk in the room to touch or hold them at will was more painful than I could have ever imagined it would be. Often, I felt like I was falling into an abyss, alone, with no hope of ever coming out or being found. That feeling took everything from me and left me with nothing to help myself when I was at my most vulnerable, and without the security of self. If not for the mercies of God, I would not have survived the experience.

Every situation is unique, and choosing to separate or divorce can be a complex, tricky situation. One thing is clear to me: I would not wish this on my worst enemy (speaking metaphorically of course).

I find myself asking: “Can purpose truly exist in the riptide of pain?” Perhaps, but what I do know is that God and the enemy have two different purposes for the fiery darts the enemy sends into our lives. The enemy uses them to consume, but God uses them to refine. The salvation and deliverance that God provides in the person of Jesus Christ is not just from the brokenness and chaos around us, but the brokenness and chaos within us. He came that we may have the very Being of God within us and the abundant expression of God’s character in our behaviour.

The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life. John 10:10 NLT

I once heard it said (and I am paraphrasing here), that the version of myself that I became in order to survive the storm is also the version of myself that I have to let go of, because that version of myself that I had to become in order to survive is not needed anymore. Dr. Dionne Felix, my life coach, said something similar. She added that since my space, time, and situation are now different, letting go of that “self” is critical to my new journey. This message was a huge lightbulb moment for me and I made two commitments to myself: first, to come out of this abyss with a higher level of functioning by nurturing the most important relationship I would ever have and, second, to do what I can to help others do the same (more on this in chapter 6 and 7 of this e-Booklet).

Second to God, the most important relationship I have is the one I have with myself, because the health of this self-relationship determines the health of all other relationships. All through my life and right up to this very moment, my body has been doing everything in its power to be faithful to me. With unwavering dedication my heart pumps blood; my lungs bring oxygen and eliminates carbon dioxide. My skin protects my internal structures and, when I’m injured, my body immediately begins to produce new cells to heal the damage. How could I neglect it now or ever?

God began to reveal to me that if I was to come out this being the man He created me to be, “temple-care” (a term I acquired from my life coach) would become my greatest priority. Key to becoming my greatest priority is recognizing my need to preserve my PIES. No, not food. I’m referring to my Physical, Intellectual, Emotional, and Spiritual Life. Let me explain. We function best and create an environment for healing when our PIES (our Physical, Intellectual, Emotional, and Spiritual Life) are in order. I’m not talking about self-improvement, taking a break, or going on a vacation, although all those can be helpful. I’m talking about creating a lifestyle you don’t need to take a break from, and immersing yourself in regularly nurturing experiences that promote and maintain your physical, intellectual, emotional and spiritual life. Temple-care is a highly individual practice, so you’d need to be honest about the how and when of that care process, and identify obstacles to (and support for) this intimate and vital way of being. Importantly, it’s about learning, overcoming, gaining control, becoming an expert on you, and becoming proficient in caring for your most precious asset: you.

If it’s been a while since you’ve used the postal service, you may not have noticed that postage stamps are getting more expensive, but at least they have one attribute that most of us could emulate: they stick to one thing from the time they are placed on a package until that package gets to its destination. Have you ever noticed that there are some amusingly successful people with little talent, genius, or education? What they do have is a healthy dose of persistence and determination that takes them through the tough times. In other words, they possess remarkable “stick-to-itiveness.”

Persistence is continued effort to do or achieve something despite difficulties, failure, or opposition. We all experience setbacks on the road to success, and major setbacks can be particularly difficult. Learning how to deal with and overcome obstacles is critical to success. Persistence strengthens the ability to conquer and face difficulties.

“A bend in the road is not the end of the road… unless you fail to make the turn.” – Helen Keller

Here are five tips to help you develop perseverance.

01. Care for your body, mind, emotions, and spirit self.

02. Do not be afraid to fail. Change your relationship with failure by getting back up every time.

03. Grow and persist in growing by keeping your goal in mind. There is always something to learn, and the journey gets sweeter with every little step you take.

04. Live in the present. Plant the seeds for the goal you are trying to achieve today.

05. Remember why. Reflecting on why you started your journey in the first place will inspire you to keep going.

And know that I’m with you 100%, and willing to help if I can.