Grief Is A Journey, Not A Destination

The following is Chapter Four of my book: Seven Things I've Learned Having Gone Through Separation & Divorce.

In 2005, just three months after the birth of my first son, the unthinkable happened: I lost my mom to a rare and rapidly progressive heart condition. She was just fifty-five years old. Up until that point, my mom’s death was the most painful loss I had ever endured. But I understood that journeying through the grief of my mother's death meant there was still love and hope on the other side of my anguish. My grief was all the love I still had bottled up inside for her but couldn’t give to her. Still, as a Christian, my faith gave me the hope of one day being reunited with her.

Although no family is perfect, mine included, I came from what many would consider a stable home. But coming from a stable home doesn’t mean one would be shielded from life happening and people “peopling.” It didn’t shelter me from life's growing pains, nor did it protect me from divorce and the ensuing guilt of forcing my boys to grow up way too fast or having to divide their time between their mother and father. I was the one who decided to no longer exist in anything that would consistently and potentially cause me irreparable mental, emotional, social, and spiritual damage. I made that decision for them as much as I did for myself, not knowing if they would or could ever understand that.

This loss was different. It almost killed me. I was journeying through a cold and dark season, one that forced me to make a difficult decision: to reclaim my sense of self and, at the risk of sounding melodramatic, to liberate it from certain destruction. Nonetheless, living in a space without my boys, not being able to walk in the room to touch or hold them at will was more painful than I could have ever imagined it would be. I was falling into an abyss alone, with no hope of ever coming out or being found. This cold, dark season took everything from me, and left me with nothing to help myself. Without the security of self, I was at my most vulnerable. I grieved the loss of some of the earliest hopes and dreams I had of family and aspirations, hopes and dreams created long before I said “I do.” I was also grieving stolen, future hopes and dreams that now felt like they would never materialise for me.

Grief is a natural response to loss. It is the emotional suffering we feel when someone we love, or something we care deeply about, is taken away. Any loss, including divorce or relationship breakup, loss of health, loss of a job, loss of a pet, or selling the family home, can cause grief. Even a career change, graduating from college or moving away from home can trigger a sense of grief. Grieving is a highly individual experience, and there is no right or wrong way to journey through grief. There are, however, healthy ways to deal with the grieving process. Grief can leave us feeling overwhelmed, shocked, angry, guilty, in disbelief, and in a state of deep sadness. It can even disrupt our physical health, making it difficult to eat, sleep, or even think straight. All these are normal reactions to loss and, the greater the loss the more intense the grief will be. If you are grieving any loss, there is nothing to be ashamed about. Healing takes time. Whatever your journey is like, be patient with yourself, and give yourself time. The pain will not go away faster if you ignore it. I’ve learned that grief waits patiently to sit beside us again when we least expect it.

The grief of a loved one means that there is love and hope on the other side of your anguish.

Grief is a journey, not a destination. There is no predetermined time for its end, and crying does not mean you are weak, nor do you have to be strong. You just have to BE, to breathe, to take one intentional step at a time—slowly, steadily. Often, that is all you will be able to manage. Trying to move forward with your daily tasks or routine is not about forgetting about your loss. For some, the structure and routine are what they need to process the grief, because it is different for everyone. Structure and routine can help you survive through the loss, and strive and thrive despite the loss.

In 1969, psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross introduced what became known as the “Five Stages of Grief.”

Denial: “This can’t be happening to me.”

Anger: “Why is this happening? Who is to blame?”

Bargaining: “Make this not happen, and in return I will ____.”

Depression: “I’m too sad to do anything.”

Acceptance: “I’m at peace with what happened.”

Note that you may not go through these five stages, and some may never experience any of these, and that is ok. Grieving is as individual as our lives are, and there is no typical response to loss.

Still, as you think about your own grief and how you are navigating through it, consider these seven key recommendations.

01. Acknowledge your pain.

02. Accept and understand that grief can trigger many different and unexpected emotions.

03. Know that your grieving process will be unique to you.

04. Seek out face-to-face support from the people who care about you. Don’t be averse to seeking professional help as well.

05. Intentionally treat yourself to self-care by engaging in activities that support your emotional health and your physical wellbeing.

06. Recognise the difference between grief and depression1.

07. Draw comfort from your faith.

1Grief versus depression:

“In grief you may have a bad day or bad moment but it eventually passes. Clinical depression, on the other hand, is not intermittent. It is persistent, ongoing, never changing. Depression is accompanied by a feeling of hopelessness and apathy.”

Patti Anewalt, PhD, LPC, FT, Director of the Pathways Center for Grief & Loss with Hospice & Community Care. www.hospicefoundation.org