Forgiveness Is Not Reconciliation

The following is Chapter Three of my book: Seven Things I've Learned Having Gone Through Separation & Divorce.

I remember looking into the mirror one morning and realising that there was something eerily different about the person staring back at me. In one of the darkest and lowest seasons of my life, to my horror and shame, I woke up to find myself filled with resentment so strong that it forced me to my knees. I may not have participated in some of the things I endured, but I surely did react to them. Now, I was becoming a bitter person. Fearing for the health of my soul, my faith brought me to the only One who could take the sting away and, with tears in my eyes, I cried to God for help and forgiveness. I needed Him to take away the bitterness that was crushing my chest.

Hurt people hurt people, and the world is full of heartbroken people. They have been victimised, mistreated, alienated, and neglected. The world is swamped by people who are angry, resentful, bitter, lonely, depressed, fearful, guilt-ridden, and consumed by hatred and self-pity. They have been wronged by others and have wronged others. On my journey to healing and in my commitment to emerge with a higher level of functioning, I had to face the truth that I had only two options: to live bitter, or to live better.

Painful experiences create painful memories, and a painful memory is a mental wound that must be healed. Forgiveness is a huge step in that healing process. I am confident that you would agree that life is too fleeting to be imprisoned by an emotional scrapbook of painful memories. We must forgive, and today you might need to forgive someone. You might need to forgive yourself. While grappling with forgiveness and coming face-to-face with the resentment I was harbouring, just in time, I stumbled onto a YouTube video in which Ty Gibson defined forgiveness. He said,

“Forgiveness is the decision to cease holding a person's offense against them to their hurt, but rather to act in their best interest by turning them over to God, which may involve receiving them back into trust, or cutting them off from trust as the nature of the offense dictates”. - Ty Gibson

This definition stuck with me.

Let’s focus on the first part of this Ty’s definition of forgiveness.

First, Ty talks about releasing a person from our perpetual contempt of his or her wrongdoing. Essentially, living better means we have to accept the fact that there is nothing those who have wronged us can do to repay their debt, and forgiveness allows us both to be set free. They are freed from the burden of fruitlessly trying to repay a debt they cannot, and we are freed from the burden of hopelessly expecting them to do so. Forgiveness becomes a gift we give to ourselves when we turn the one who has wronged us over to the care and responsibility of God. The act of forgiveness is refusing to be imprisoned by the toxic emotions that often fester in our hearts because we’re dragging past offenses around like a sack of dirty laundry everywhere we go. Forgiveness is a decision to forbid what happened in our past to sabotage our future, and to refuse to allow painful events to have an oppressive grasp on our minds and bodies.

Second, Ty talks about turning them over to God. But why? Well, ultimately, I believe He (God) takes responsibility for the injustices that occur and rightly so. But let me not get ahead of myself.

It's normal to question: Is God doing anything about the offenses that occur? I pondered this question many times and came to the realisation that, ultimately, He is. He is the one offended and He will deal with those who reject His forgiveness. I once came across an illustration of the pole, police officer, monarch, and God and discovered that although the illustration has been widely used it has not been credited to anyone one person; so my apologies for not being able to point you to a source. Here is the illustration.

Suppose as you took a stroll down the street. You angrily decided to slap a pole. What do you think would happen? How would those around you respond to your violent outburst? I’m sure you would agree that offending a pole would generally be considered trivial, as a pole is an inanimate object without feelings or social significance. The consequences of offending a pole are non-existent, except for your bruised hand, of course.

Now suppose, as you walked further down the street, you chose to angrily slap a police officer. What do you think would happen then? How would those around you respond to your violent outburst? Offending a police officer might have more serious implications. Police officers uphold law and order, and showing disrespect could lead to legal consequences or escalation in the situation, especially if it involves obstructing justice or disobeying lawful commands.

Feeling rather generous, the officer decides to let you go with a stern warning, and you continue your stroll. Further down the street, you come across a large crowd. Pushing your way through the excitement buzzing around you, you stumble across the reigning monarch leaving a popular hotel, entourage in tow. You defiantly push forward and get close enough to strike the monarch in the face. What do you think would happen then? How would those around you respond to your threatening outburst? I’m sure you would agree that, due to the high level of respect and formality associated with royalty, offending any reigning monarch is a serious matter. The consequences could range from social ostracism to legal repercussions and, depending on the country's laws and customs, serious jail time.

My point is this: the illustration of offense scales from non-consequential (a pole) to potentially serious, depending on the social or personal significance of the figure involved (police officer, monarch). What if the one you violently slapped, the one you were offending, was the Creator God?

All people are created in the image of God, which means that humans possess intrinsic value. Put another way, human beings have objective value because that value comes from someone who exists outside of the human race: the Creator God. So regardless of one’s situation, condition, social or economic status, skin colour, sex, location, beliefs, or any hosts of other characteristics that people use to judge others’ value, the Creator’s word (not our own) is final. This means there is an objective authority to which everyone is accountable, including man-made authorities, be they political, religious or otherwise. What’s more, God not only loves His creation, but He also laid down His very life for it and He takes great offence to how those who are His own are treated. When we show contempt for others, we not only put ourselves above God, but we dishonour Him. He is the one who is ultimately offended, and that is why it’s always better to hand them over to Him.

In His hands and not our own, forgiveness also offers the offenders an opportunity to respond to their conscience (God speaking) to live better lives themselves, because forgiveness is not a license to live as you wish. Rather, it is a gift that sets you free to live the way you should. Some never seek forgiveness. Some do only because they were caught. Others do because they have come face-to-face with their wrong, are truly remorseful, and desire to turn away from that wrong forever. Either way, consequences are bound to choice, which leads me to my third and final point based on Ty’s definition of forgiveness.

Ty said “…[forgiveness] may involve receiving them back into trust or cutting them off from trust as the nature of the offense dictates.” You are the one who needs to wrestle with this; so be kind to and gentle with yourself as you do.

An important truth is this: forgiveness is not restoration; it lays the foundation for restoration. This means that although one is forgiven, one may still have to suffer the harsh consequences of his or her actions. I can forgive you and still call the police on you. You can forgive and still say, “Now, here are the new parameters for this relationship.” Consequences are bound to the choices we make, good or bad.

One of Jesus’ disciples, Peter, questioned Him, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?” “No, not seven times,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven!” (Matthew 18:21-22).

Examining this account in its context, Peter was trying to sound extremely generous and loving, but Jesus’ unexpected answer sought to illustrate the principle that we are to forgive the repentant offender an unlimited number of times. I believe this is also important for our healing journey. In other words, there may be times when the memories or the emotions associated with a past offense that you have forgiven, threaten to consume you again. That's normal, and you can forgive again, and again, and again. This world is a university of hard knocks, and we owe it to life, our life, not to get bitter. Bitterness shrivels the spirit and hardens our attitudes, but choosing to live better and learn from our troubles, difficulties, and disappointments, helps us grow and gives us insight, understanding, and new direction for our lives.

Living better and not bitter also includes forgiving yourself.

This is also true for yourself. I remember there were times I had to forgive myself for entering or lodging in spaces that were harming me. Every time I felt the regret, guilt, and shame creep in, I had to forgive myself again. As long as it takes, do it. Forgive yourself. It's okay to forgive repeatedly, 70 x 7. Well-meaning folks often tell us to “forgive and forget.” Typically, their admonition is intended to caution us against harbouring resentment. However, there is nothing wrong with being able to recall an offense. The question is, are you holding it against the offender or yourself? Part of your healing includes learning how not to harbour grudges against others, and how not to loathe yourself. Doing so requires repeatedly forgiving others and yourself. I know it can be difficult, but learning to forgive yourself means you will have less anxiety and depression, higher self-esteem, and a clearer picture and understanding of how God sees you, as one with intrinsic value who is precious in His sight. Forgiveness opens the heart and helps us grow mentally, spiritually, and socially. No more logging the dirty, smelly, laundry of offenses around everywhere we go.

01. Forgiveness is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of strength.

02. Forgiveness is not a feeling, but an act of the will.

03. Forgiveness is not an excuse for the bad behaviour. It is a decision to not be emotionally controlled or affected by the behaviour.

04. Forgiveness is not trust; forgiveness is a grace gift you give to yourself. Trust is earned by those who are trustworthy.

Remember, today is a good day to live better and not bitter.